Human beings were never meant to be good at love. Our ancestrial roots lie within basic desires like hunger, thrist, or even our ability to use tools to make stuff.
So, the innerworkings of a relationship aren’t instinctual, but rather learned and experienced through mere exposure of both the good and the bad. This means that relationships can be quite complicated and confusing for most people.
Although our evolutionary upbringing never provided us with the necessary tools to confront a love, we can still try our best to maneuver our way through its complex nature.
Whether you’re here because you’re going through a breakup, need help with a current relationship, or simply want a little exposure to Cupid’s bow, here are some things to keep in mind:
Be True
The people in Russia are the realest people you will ever meet. They communicate with no conditions, no strings attatched, no ulterior motive, and no desperate attempt to be liked. They are exactly how they feel.
If you said something stupid, someone will tell you what you said was stupid. If you smell funny, someone will tell you directly to your face without hesitation.
The people in Russia may seem cruel and demeaning at face value. But I bet the love in Russia is the purist of any kind.
You see, in Western society, we are internally conditioned and coded to be fake to others. We smile and say polite things to others when we don’t feel like it, we tell white lies and agree with people we don’t actually agree with. Unfortunatley, this is just the culture that surrounds us and, as a result, we unconsciously make these decisions.
The downside to this culture is the fact that we never know, in the West, if we can fully trust someone’s character or if they are who they trully are. This almost always ends up finding its way into relationships.
The pressure in our society to be likeable and agreeable for others often leads to the reconfiguration of one’s true self. This is toxic in a relationship.
Pure love involves being yourself around your partner at face value. If you hide yourself in your own relationship, then what’s the point? If you and your partner don’t support each other for who you guys truly are, then, by definition, there is no relationship.
Now of course it may take some time to get used to each other, but when both partners of a relationship can be themselves with no insecurity present, a true and loving relationship can then be settled.
Set Boundaries
Once upon a time, there were two youngsters, a boy and a girl. Their families hated each other, but the boy snuck into a party hosted by the girls parents anyway.
The girl sees the boy at the party and is immediately hit with Cupid’s arrow. Just like that.
The boy then decides to sneak into her garden and they get married the next freaking day. Fast foward a few days and the two families find out about the marriage in a huge fight.
The girl gets so upset about the family conflict that she drinks a magic potion that puts her to sleep for a few days, totally forgetting to mention anything about it to her husband. The boy finds out and mistakes the potion magic for suicide and then proceeds to commit suicide himself to hopefully meet the girl in the afterlife out of pure love.
The girl eventually wakes up, finds her husband dead, and then proceeds to commit suicide with the same idea as her now dead husband. The end.
Romeo and Juliet is synonymous with modern day “romance.” It is what people emotionally appeal to and hope to live up to. But when you really think about the story, these kids are completely out of their minds.
Unfortunately, love isn’t exactly a fairy tale. In fact most elements of romantic love that we pursue—the dramatic and dizzyingly emotional displays of affection, the topsy-turvy ups and downs—aren’t healthy, genuine displays of love.
The difference between a healthy and an unhealthy relationship comes down to two things:
- How well each person in the relationship accepts responsibility
- The willingness of each person to both reject and be rejected by their partner
Wherever there is a healthy and loving relationship, there will be clear boundaries between the two people and their values as well as an open avenue of giving and receiving rejection when necessary.
Now, by “boundaries” I mean the line drawn between two people’s responsibilities for their own problems. People in strong, healthy relationships with firm boundaries will take responsibility for their own values and problems and not take responsibility for their partner’s values and problems.
People in toxic relationships have loose boundaries, meaning they will regularly avoid responsibility for their own problems and/or take responsibility for their partner’s problems.
What do poor boundaries look like? Here are some examples:
“You can’t go out with your friends tonight. You know how jealous I get. You have to stay home with me!”
“I can’t believe you made me look stupid in front of my own sister. Never embarrass me like that again!”
People can’t solve problems for you. And you can’t solve other people’s problems for them.
The mark of a healthy relationship is when two people try to solve their own problems to feel good about each other, rather than trying to solve each other’s problems to feel good about their own independent selves.
Build Trust
My mom is the type of person to spend an hour in the bathroom getting ready for an out-of-the-house event. She loves to look good and feel good when leaving for an expensive dinner, a special occasion, and whatever else.
Usually when she comes out of the bathroom, I am the first person she asks: “How do I look?” or “Does this outfit look right?” Usually she puts together great outfits and I would tell her that.
On occasion, however, her outifts aren’t so great. Maybe she wanted to try some new colors or maybe she was trying on a pair of boots from an ostentatious fashion designer in Venezuela.
Regardless, I never lie to my mom where most usually would. This is because a pure and honest relationship with my mom is more important than feeling good all the time.
She may throw a flip flop at me in anger or spout a few four letter words back in the bathroom, but in the end she appreciates my honesty in that I did not let her leave the house in a bad outfit.
Now, obviously nobody is dating their mom, but the same principles apply to all relationships, including romantic ones. The last person you should ever censor yourself around is the person you love.
When our highest priority is to always make ourselves or our partners feel good despite our true feelings, nobody really ends up feeling good. The relationship falls apart without us even realizing it. Without conflict, there can be no trust.
Conflict exists to show us who is there for us unconditionally and who is there simply for the benefits. In other words, who we can trust and who we cannot. No one can trust a yes-man.
Building trust may be the most important ingredient in the pot of a relationship, for the simple reason that without trust, the relationship doesn’t actually mean anything.
Dealing with the Breakup
As an extension to our Western culture, many of us have been taught to be as inherently accepting and affirmative as possible for the people around us. What many of us don’t know, however, is that we need to reject sometimes.
If we accept everything we hear and see and don’t reject anything, then we stand for nothing. We are without values and therefore without meaning or purpose in our lives.
The avoidance of rejection (both giving and receiving) is often perceieved as a way to make ourselves feel better. But avoiding rejection rather than ebracing it only rewards short-term, poisoning pleasure that deepens our wounds.
Ditching your own values as a genuine person and getting hung on someone who hasn’t and won’t align with your personal values leaves you stranded with no meaning other than to get back with that person. This is pointless and, in the long term, you will become rudderless and directionless in your own life.
Now, of course relationships are indeed fixable and, like I’ve said, without conflict nothing can be fixed. However, there is a distinct difference between conflict and rejection in that rejection is a direct response to a discovered conflict.
The hard part of relationship advice lies in the fact that every relationship is unique and abstract in their own ways. Unfortunatley, one person’s advice will not apply to every specific situation.
However, what I do know is rejection is an important life skill. Nobody wants to be stuck in a relationship that isn’t making them happy. And when a relationship hasn’t been making you happy, embracing and learning to be comfortable with the word “no” will have direct and calming benefits in the midst of a breakup.